


Your Questions SUCK [Dick]?

by egocentrifuge



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Crack, M/M, Multi, nothing directly hateful but still obv flippant, tw: some trans/gay-phobic remarks pretty typical of funhaus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 07:46:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4697957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/egocentrifuge/pseuds/egocentrifuge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I never know I'm watching trans porn until it's too late," Spoole admits. James laughs and hunches his shoulders in a telltale sign of his Spoole impression.</p><p>"Oh, is that a dick?" he murmurs. "Oh well." He mimes jacking off furiously as the others laugh.</p><p>"I mean, pretty people are pretty people," Spoole starts defensively. Lawrence smacks a hand on his desk.</p><p>"Exactly," he announces. "And you're all pretty. I change my answer, I'd fuck all of you."</p><p>--</p><p>Editing the OpenHaus each week is an exercise in comedy, tact, and soft-core pornography. Some weeks more than others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Your Questions SUCK [Dick]?

**Author's Note:**

> Some canon-typical flippant remarks towards gay/trans sex, as well as a joke about cheating.
> 
> Also, an off-hand mention towards a real reddit community member: I'm sorry Aroused-Dentist, your name just pops up in the Q&A/OpenHaus videos often enough that it's part of the canon. Please don't read this.

"If you had to chose one member of Funhaus to be in a gay relationship with, who would it be and why?" Adam reads, voice bland. James is the first to answer.

"Spoole."

The man in question grins as he looks over at James. "Aw, thanks," he says. James doesn't look away from his camera as he continues

"Because Spoole is the most submissive and wouldn't confront me about my multiple affairs."

Spoole makes a face. "That's, that's less nice," he concludes. "I feel taken advantage of."

James finally turns to smile at Spoole. "I'm sorry, darling," he coos. "It won't happen again. I love you."

Spoole narrows his eyes. "I love _you,"_ he retorts. Adam snorts, Bruce shakes his head, and James turns back to his camera with a shrug and a grin.

"See?"

"I think I'd go with James," Joel drawls from the side. They turn to look at him as he continues. "Because he'd be too busy with his multiple affairs to notice my own."

They exchange a high five from across the room.

"You're missing the point," Lawrence sighs. "This isn't about domestic bliss, it's about hardcore, bareback fucking."

Adam squints at the screen. "I mean, it says relationship right there—"

"Gay relationship, Kovic," Bruce interrupts. "Which means—" He gestures.

"Hardcore, bareback fucking," Lawrence finishes.

"Okay," Adam sighs. "If you had to chose one member of Funhaus to—to do all that with, who would it be and why, Lawrence?"

Lawrence spins in a lazy circle to take in all Funhaus has to offer before humming contemplatively.

"Either James or Bruce," he decides. Adam barks out a laugh even as Bruce reaches over to high five James. Bruce hesitates after their hands connect, though, and lowers his voice to "whisper" to James.

"Should we be excited?" he asks. James crosses his arms.

"Hell yeah! We're attractive, baby."

Bruce brightens. "Hell yeah!" he erupts.

"Why Bruce or James?" Joel asks, dramatically put out. Lawrence shrugs.

"You're fucking a guy," he reasons. "I don't want to fuck you or Spoole, I want a hairy, muscular—"

"Bear," James provides. "Bruce is a bear, and probably Kovic. Peake and Joel are—what's the word?"

"Otters," Lawrence provides easily. "You're a—well, the definition of bear has become broader over the past decade, so you'd probably still be a bear."

Bruce exchanges a look with Adam.

"You, uh, you sure know a lot of terminology," Adam says. Lawrence shrugs again.

"I go on the internet."

"And watch gay porn," James finishes.

Lawrence rolls his eyes. It's Joel that comes to his defense.

"Oh, like you've never watched gay porn," he accuses.

"No," Adam says, then pauses. "Except like, well, I've watched—" He closes his mouth abruptly. "I don't know that there's a PC term, so I'll just stop."

"Thai Ladyboys," Bruce provides. Adam nods and gestures to Bruce.

"I never know I'm watching trans porn until it's too late," Spoole admits. James laughs and hunches his shoulders in a telltale sign of his Spoole impression.

"Oh, is that a dick?" he murmurs. "Oh well." He mimes jacking off furiously as the others laugh.

"I mean, pretty people are pretty people," Spoole starts defensively. Lawrence smacks a hand on his desk.

"Exactly," he announces. "And you're all pretty. I change my answer, I'd fuck all of you."

"Aww, Lawrence," Joel starts. It's a surprise to exactly no one when Joel lunges out of his seat to grab Lawrence's face. Less expected is when Lawrence turns rather than take the kiss on the cheek and mashes his lips against Joel's.

There's groans and whoops from around the office even as Joel pulls back with a startled laugh.

"Oww, Lawrence," he protests. "You fucking headbutted me, man."

Lawrence grins. "Sorry," he says, clearly not sorry. After a moment he brightens. "Wait, let me—"

Joel tilts his head down expectantly and isn't disappointed when Lawrence leans up to kiss him more gently. They're both smiling when Lawrence pulls away.

"All better," he announces. Joel shakes his head ruefully before heading back to his desk.

"How much money for you to suck a dick, Lawrence?" James calls. "I'm, uh, asking for Bruce."

"Hey," Bruce calls. Lawrence glances over his shoulder.

"Whose dick?" he asks.

"My... Bruce's," James decides.

Lawrence winks. "We'll find a price later, Daddy."

"Can you use the gimp—I'm sorry, _submission mask?"_ James asks hopefully. Lawrence wrinkles his nose.

"Only if Bruce wears it."

"Deal!" James announces. Bruce's protestations are cut off by a hushed, _"I know what I'm doing, Bruce."_

"Anyways," Adam sighs. "Peake, who'd you fuck?"

He has to repeat the question twice before Matt takes off his headphones and casts a critical eye over the room.

"Spoole," he decides, and immediately turns back to editing.

"Peake has spoken," James laughs. "Adam, what about you?"

"Me?" Adam questions. "Oh, the gay thing? I don't know, Bruce? Everyone already thinks we're fucking, so."

They share a shrug across the office before James talks over Bruce's, _"Is no one going to ask me,"_ to ask the next question.

"Okay," James 'reads.' "Lawrence, how much for you to suck two dicks?"

Bruce rolls his eyes as Spoole and Adam giggle into their shoulders. The laughter peaks when Lawrence pushes back from his desk.

"That's it," he announces. "James, you're coming with me."

James looks immediately worried, but Bruce shoves him unceremoniously and he has no choice but to stand.

"Where are we going?" James asks.

"To sort out your deep seated homosexuality."

"Wait—" James starts, but then they're around the corner.

What happens in the final cut is that there's some loud and exaggerated whooping and moaning, a couple of spank-like sounds, and James and Lawrence return, cutting short Joel's contemplative "Does anyone else want to—"

What happens around the corner is that Lawrence gestures to James, who makes a face and starts making sex noises. Lawrence watches impassively for a few moments before interspersing his own loud "yeah's" to the mix, plus some hand clapping. After a dramatic climax, James falls silent and starts heading back to the room.

It's then that Lawrence catches his arm, puts a hand on the back of his head, and draws James in for a kiss. It's completely different from the headbutt and chaste peck he'd exchanged with Joel; Lawrence sucks gently on James' lower lip until he opens his mouth in surprise and lets Lawrence in.

For a moment that's it, Lawrence kissing James insistently, before James reaches a Decision and surges against Lawrence. They end up making out against the wall right there in the hallway, Lawrence pressing hot hands up under James' shirt.

It's Bruce that's sent to come get them, pink "submission mask" in tow for a punchline he doesn't know isn't going to happen.

"Oh my god--" he starts when he spots them, then immediately claps a hand over his mouth.

"Bruce," James breathes. "Uh, I—I'm sorting out my deep seated homosexuality right now, can you come back later?"

Lawrence laughs into his collarbone before biting it none too gently. James chokes on a moan even as Bruce draws closer.

"In the hallway?" he hisses. "Really? Fuck, Peake can almost see you from here. Come on, guys, show some professionalism."

"Bruce," James insists. "I'm sorting out my deep seated homosexuality now, and if you don't leave I'm going to look for answers in your mouth."

It's at this point that Lawrence steps back, leaving a thoroughly debauched James leaning heavily on the wall.

"You're welcome," he tells Bruce, and saunters back into the office.

This is what a very boneless and thoroughly embarrassed James has to edit out later:

Lawrence sits down at his desk, lips definitely kiss-plump, and starts reading the next question.

"Aroused-dentist asks--" he starts. Spoole stops him with a shrill, "Where are Bruce and James?"

Lawrence blinks over at him before smirking slightly.

"Getting their blowjobs," he says. "I wouldn't go that way for a while."

There's a creak as Matt leans back in his chair to peer down the hallway. He leans forward again almost immediately, shaking his head.

"You're not serious," Adam says.

"Don't go back there," Matt warns. The inevitable follows—everyone besides Matt and Lawrence stands to go look down the hall, and everyone ends up sitting back at their desks with their mouths open.

"Well, then," Lawrence says. He leans back to his screen. "Aroused-dentists asks, how much for Lawrence to suck two—who edited this?" 

"Bruce," Adam murmurs absently. "He thought it'd be funny."

"Huh." 

The only sound for a long moment is Lawrence's ctrl+z'ing, not counting the vaguely fleshy, entirely inappropriate, and not at all arousing noises from the hallway.

"Does anyone else want to—" Joel starts contemplatively. Spoole stands so quickly he nearly upends his chair. Lawrence doesn't turn around as the two of them begin answering the question in earnest, even when Spoole ends up propped against the back of Lawrence's chair to better stand against Joel's onslaught.

"Adam," Matt says from the back of the room, and he's holding his phone pointedly and gesturing towards the hall. Adam stares at him for a moment before squaring his shoulders and heading off to join Bruce and James.

"Next question," Lawrence reads once his mission of undo is successful.

"What live-action short are each of you most proud of?" He tilts his head to the side to think even as Joel and Spoole continue to writhe together against the back of his chair.

"I'm most proud about the shorts where I get to keep my shirt on," Lawrence starts. Hyper aware of comic timing, as always, Joel edges a hand around Spoole to get a hand on Lawrence's shirt and pull.

Lawrence doesn't look away from the camera as his top is inexorably removed.

"Should I pause it?" he asks, voice muffled by a layer of fabric.

Spoole laughs. "No, we're—we're doing the Q&A."

"Openhaus," Joel corrects. 

The three of them slide out of frame. In the final cut of the video, James uses a good ten seconds of the empty office sans audio before Adam steps back in from the hallway, shirt off and 'submission mask' equipped.

"Hey guys," he calls. "Can someone come hold Peake's camera?"

The video cuts there.

**Author's Note:**

> You'd be surprised at how well crack helps you find a character's voice. I have no excuse or explanation - I am naked before God, who is staring down at me and going, "What the fuck," as I laugh at my own writing.
> 
> Sorry, God. Sorry, everyone else who read this.
> 
> find me at egocentrifuge.tumblr.com


End file.
